Voldemort's Gang

Good day fellow evil doers. It is me, Lord Voldemort, your leader, and I have come here today to address the rumors that have been circulating around. I wanted to tell you that they are all true, I, the Dark Lord, am indeed making a gang. Now I know many of you find that idea completely preposterous that someone with such amazing magical abilities would sink to this level. But I am going to be honest, I am getting desperate. I crave to take over the world and if that means I will occasionally have to "bust a cap" then so be it! It can't be that hard can it? I mean my previous magical gang (aka the Death-Eaters) didn't really work out so well, but in the beginning everything was good. Except for that Bellatrix chick, she was a bit of creep, always fawning over me and desperate for my attention. But I mean who can blame her? I am tall with rugged good looks and a perfectly chiseled body. But nobody in their right mind would be attracted to Bellatrix, she was so desperate and needy! And have you seen those chompers of hers? I mean really, I know we are British and everything but seriously, go to the dentist.......ANYWAY. Yeah, Lord Voldemort, me, starting a gang, if you wish to join my gang you should email me at Harry_must_die@gmail.com. First though I must tell you that in order to be in the gang you must complete a challenging set of tasks. First you must get a permanent tattoo of a snake and a skull on your forearm. Then you must withstand a brutal game of unicorn roulette, where all potential gang members must stand in a circle around me, and I will be blindfolded and holding a unicorn horn. Then I will begin to spin around in a circle as fast as I can with my arms extended to gain speed, then I will let go and whoever I hit with the unicorn horn is out. And lastly you must team up with a partner and perform a custom-choreographed version of The Single Ladies. If you can survive/ complete all these tasks successfully then you will be permitted into my gang. Good luck to you all.
Sincerely,
Lord Voldemort

Need more help getting started?

Some times the hardest part of being a criminal mastermind is getting started. Here's a great book that covers some cliches to start with. Start with a cliche. Once you gain noterity, then get creative. Everything from ad-lib evil plans, to secret lair real estate. It's all in How to Be a Villain: http://books.google.com/books?id=qfaij-JtOBEC&dq=isbn:0811846660&ei=39R8ToSiPIe2ygSow7HGCg

My Cursed Genes.-Lucis

My Son is the laziest man on the face of the planet or Universe!!!! He makes Sloth look like an Athlete.
Help me find a way to get this loser off his rear end so he may one day rule the Underworld...Otherwise my daughter will and I don't want her to!
-Lucifer Nightshade

Torture Method of the day: 9-15-11

Chester Cheeto gave us a great method. This was developed in the cafeteria of damned reccently, over a nice lunch.
1. Strap your victim down tightly
2. Get a bag of Flamin' Cheetos http://www.fritolay.com/our-snacks/cheetos-flamin-hot.html
3. Slowly drive them into your victims eyes.

*This takes practice and skill, as cheetos tend to break under duress.

For kids.

     So there is this group of children in my neighborhood who are always sharing things like cereal and yogurt with each-other.   I've tried to be friendly with them, and even buy my own snacks!  But they keep stealing from me and making fun.  Any good Ideas on how to get rid of them?

                                                                                                                        -The Trix Rabbit